


Paper cuts

by theladyofcamelias



Category: Gentleman Bastard Sequence - Scott Lynch
Genre: Classism, F/M, Foreshadowing, I don’t know how I got this idea, Sisterhood, This is basically only OCs, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24084955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theladyofcamelias/pseuds/theladyofcamelias
Summary: Vignettes from Ezri’s life before she ran away.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Paper cuts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [serotoninwife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/serotoninwife/gifts).



> Here are Ezri’s sisters that I made up, from oldest to youngest:  
> Aliana  
> Ynis  
> Catalina  
> Selina  
> Quintia  
> And of course Ezri at the end

_**i.** _

Ezri’s first memory is of her oldest sister, Aliana, styling her hair. She was sitting in front of her vanity, pushing jeweled pins in just the right places to make her hair look perfect.

“And remember to behave, all of you. This dinner is very important. Mama and Papa will be very upset with us if something goes wrong.”

She turned around and shot a glare at four years old Ezri, who was wiggling around in her dress, pulling curiously at a ribbon in her hair.

“Stop that!” She slapped Ezri’s hand away before fixing the ribbon. “This is serious Ezrianne. Start acting like a lady. You’re an embarrassment to take out in public as is.”

“She’s only four.” Mumbled Catalina.

Aliana turned her sharp gaze on her.

“That’s no excuse. I certainly wasn’t so ill behaved when I was a child. Neither were you for that matter.”

Shame twisted in Ezri’s gut. Disappointing Aliana had been the worst possible thing back then.

“I’m sorry.”

“Just remember: don’t talk to the adults, sit still and take care to use the right fork and the right spoon. We’ll be leaving the party early anyhow so you only have to behave for a couple of hours. Can you do that?”

Ezri nodded enthusiastically.

“Good.” She stood up, smoothing the skirts of her crimson gown as she checked herself in the mirror one last time. She nodded once briskly before motioning for the others to follow her.

She’d seemed like an adult then, somebody who understood everything, so calm and mature. Ezri would later realize that her sister had only been fourteen at the time.

_**ii.** _

“Ezri! You come here right this instant child!” Madam Prevano screamed, running after a giggling Ezri. She caught up with her easily enough, and hoisted her in her arms like she was a sack of potatoes.

“And just where do you think you’re going child?” She huffed. Madam Prevano was a tall, but stout, Camorri woman. When she was a child, Ezri had thought Madam Prevano to be ancient, although looking back, she couldn’t have been older that forty. Her hair was barely starting to grey and she’d had the stamina of a woman twice as a young.

Ezri struggled in her arms and, once she found she would not be released, she pouted.

“I’m running away.”

“Oh! Running away are we? And why would you run away?”

“I want to have an adventure. Just like in all the books!”

Madam Prevano shook her head, laughing.

“Trust me child, you will have plenty of time for adventures when you’re older.”

Ezri grumbled something unintelligible under her breath.

“Speak up clearly. E-nun-ci-ate. You’re a lady. Ladies don’t mumble.”

So many rules. Ladies don’t mumble. Ladies don’t run. Ladies don’t climb trees.

“I don’t want to be a lady!”

“It’s very rare that we get to pick what we want to be. We just have to be content with our lot in life and learn to make the best of it. You have a very enviable position you know. Little girls everywhere dream of being a lady.”

Ezri crossed her arms stubbornly.

“Well I don’t want to.”

“ I see.” She sighed. “Well there’s no arguing with you when you’re like that.”

She gently put Ezri back on the ground, although she kept a hard grip on Ezri’s wrist, lest she dash off again.

“Let’s get going. Before your sister see us loitering and scold us.”

Ezri giggled at that.

“Why is Aliana so prissy anyway? It’s not like she’s the lady of the house. That’s mama.”

Madam Prevano rubbed her forehead.

“Your sister is in a very difficult position child. I don’t expect you to understand just yet but as your father’s heir there are different rules and expectations that are set upon her. She has to be an example, a model of courtly behavior. Especially with your mother’s...absence.”

“I’m glad I wasn’t born first.”

“Trust me Ezri,” she smiled kindly to show she was teasing, “we all are.”

She ruffled Ezri’s hair.

“Now let’s get going. I believe we have a history lesson now don’t we?”

Ezri groaned dramatically as she got dragged to the library.

_**iii.** _

Quintia was staring cross-eyed at the book in front of her before closing it and leaning back on the tree behind her with a groan.

“I hate this. Who needs to learn how to speak Vadran anyway?!”

Sensing an opportunity, Ezri leaning forward, eyes sparkling.

“You know, Catalina said there was a whole at the back of the gates that lead directly to the sea.”

“Really?”

Ezri nodded.

“And she even said that there was the wreck of a pirate ship near the shore."

Quintia’s eyes widened at that.

“I don’t believe it!”

“We should go and see for ourselves.”

“I don’t know Ezri.” She looked around nervously. “We’re not supposed to go outside on our own without Madam Prevona and the guards.”

“Come one! It’ll be an adventure. Don’t be so chicken.”

“I’m not chicken!”

“Are so!”

“I’m not!”

“Children settle down!” Madam Prevona scolded from where she was sitting, knitting needles in hand.

“Sorry Madam Prevona.” Ezri and Quintia said in unison.

Quintia opened her book again at a random page and pretended to be very interested in her reading.

“Come on Quinty please.” She pleaded.

“Fine!” She relented. “But we’re not going outside. We’re going straight to the gate and back.”

As that had been Ezri’s original goal (she knew there was no way Quintia would agree to sneak out of the gardens with her) she smiled.

“Great!” She immediately got up. “Let’s go quickly before Madam Prevona notices us.”

Carefully, Quintia put her book down and got up, keeping an eye on Madam Prevona who was still focused on her knitting.

“Let’s go.” She whispered.

Years later, Ezri would embark on a real pirate ship and explore places so far from the back of the gardens it would make six years-old Ezri’s head spin. For now, she grabs Quintia’s hand and tugs her along the garden path, giggling all the while

**_iv._ **

“Focus Ezrianne.” Aliana was scowling at her, which was beginning to be a familiar sight to seven-year old Ezri.

“You’re being too hard on her.” said Ynis, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“You’d think I was asking her scale a mountain. All I want is for her to memorize the major noble houses of Syrune. You knew them when you were her age.”

“And she’ll know them too. What does it matter if she can't learn them as fast? Besides, we know Ezri doesn’t like to memorize all these houses and sigils.”

“I don’t care what she likes!” Shouted Aliana. “Stop coddling her!”

Ezri watched the argument unfold as though she was not there, which was a regular occurrence these days, until the door slammed open.

“That’s enough of that.”

They all gave a start as Mama entered the room, a huge smile splitting her face.

“I missed you girls!” She ran and hugged Ezri before she could react, then moved on to embrace Ynis before being stopped short by Aliana.

“What are you doing here mother?”

“Is that any way to greet your mother?”

“What are you doing here mother?” Aliana repeated.

“Why I’m here to see you girls of course!”

“We’re busy.” Aliana turned back towards Ezri, “Go back to whatever party you were at.”

“That’s unfair,” said her mother with an exaggerated pout, “I’ve been very busy is all. And I’ve missed my girls so much. What are you girls doing?”

When it appeared neither Aliana nor Ynis would answer, Ezri piped up quietly.

“Aliana’s trying to get me to learn the names of all the noble houses of Syrune.”

“Trying being the key word.” Muttered Aliana under her breath.

“Oh who cares about Syrune!” Her mother snatched the book Aliana was holding and threw it to the ground carelessly.

“Everybody should. They’re one of the biggest trading empires in the world and their navy is-“

“That’s so boring Aliana. Honestly no wonder Ezri is falling asleep.”

“Did you only come here to criticize me? I’m trying to teach your daughter mother, since you couldn’t be bothered to do it yourself.”

“Why are you doing that anyway? Shouldn’t that governess take care of that?”

“Her name is Madam Prevona.” Ezri frowned, “And she’s with Quintia and Selina. They’re having an embroidery lesson.”

“Which you would be attending if you had memorized the names of all the noble houses of Syrune last week like you were supposed too.”

“Then do that later!” Her mother grabbed Ynis’ hand, who was looking at the table during the entire exchange and was worryingly quiet. “I’ve come all this way to see you girls and you won’t even spend time with me.”

“We’re busy.”

“Well,” she glared haughtily at Aliana, “last I checked I was still the lady of the house and if I say that we’re all having lunch together then we all will.”

The glaring match between Aliana and her mother lasted for what seemed like an eternity before Aliana got up.

“Very well. Since Dame de la Mastron has commanded us to stop everything and go to lunch then that is what I will do. Please excuse me.” She gathered her skirts and angrily made her way to the doors.

Aliana glared at her one last time before leaving. Once she was gone, her mother clapped her hands gaily.

“I’ll have a luncheon put out on the balcony! It’s been ages since I talked to you girls. Ages! You’ve gotten so big Ezrianne! I feel like I haven’t seen you girls in forever.”

“It has been nearly a year.” Said Ynis, her voice suddenly cold.

“Oh well,” her mother waved a hand dismissively, “time flies doesn’t it?” She knelt down to Ezri’s level. “I’ll have the cook make you girls almond biscuits. Those are still your favorite right?”

“I’m allergic to almonds. Good day mother.”

“Ynis come back here! Ynis!”

She ran after her, leaving Ezri alone in the drawing room. Soon after, Quintia tiptoed into the room, clutching an embroidered napkin to her chest.

“I heard screaming.” She whispered, “what’s going on?”

“Mama’s back from her trip apparently.”

Quintia’s eyes widened.

“Mama’s back?!” When Ezri nodded she started wringing her hands.

“Oh dear. Aliana will not be pleased.”

“She wasn’t.”

“Why did she come back? Do you think...do you think this time she’s staying for good?”

Ezri shook her head.

“You know how it is with Mama. She’ll stay here for a week or two acting like the perfect mother until she gets invited to a party somewhere and leaves for several months.”

Quintia’s shoulders slumped slightly.

“Oh. Well it’ll be nice to see her anyway. Right?”

“I suppose.” Ezri shrugged. “But it’s not like anything changes when she’s here anyway. It’s Aliana, Ynis and Catalina that she’s here to see, not us.”

“That’s not true! Mama stays with us when she’s here. She just gets very busy. That’s all.”

“If you say so.”

“What are you studying?” Asked Quintia, eager to change the subject.

“Noble houses of Syrune.”

“That’s easy. I’ll help you.”

“I’ll be fine. Go see mama.”

Quintia looked conflicted, clearly wanting to go after their mother but not wanting to leave Ezri alone.

“Are you sure?”

Ezri nodded.

“Alright then. Good luck!”

She pressed a kiss to Ezri’s cheek before running off to look for their mother.  
  


**_v._ **

Ezri stood in front of the large wooden doors of her father’s study. She took a deep breath, stilled her shaking hands, knocked at the doors, and waited. There was a very strict protocol as to how one entered Papa’s study. Even Ezri, who made a hobby out of barging into rooms to surprise her sisters and Madam Prevona, would not dare break it.

“Enter.”

Ezri pushed the heavy open doors with both hands and stepped quietly inside her father’s office.

“Good morning Father.”

“Good morning Ezrianne. To what to I owe this visit?”

He was sitting behind his desk, writing some sort of letter, and did not look up at all. But that was normal. Ezri rarely saw her father unless she’d been summoned to his office when she’d behaved badly enough. Every time she saw him her heart would almost freeze in its place, terrified and excited beyond measure.

“I wanted to ask you something Father.”

“What is it?”

“Why am I not being trained at arms?”

He stopped his writing and peered up at her from behind his optics, scrutinizing her for what must have been the first time in a very long time. She had taken extra steps to be perfectly presentable before she came knocking on her father’s office. Her hair had been styled by Madam Prevona, who thoroughly approved of this idea, and she had picked her very best dress.

“Why should you be trained at arms?” He asked finally.

“Aliana, Ynis, and Catalina are.”

“Aliana’s my heir. She needs martial training. As for Ynis and Catalina they’re the two oldest after her. She’ll need their help when it’s her time to rule.”

“What if she need my help?”

“She won’t.” He said with the same certainty one used to say that sun would rise in the morning, or that grass was green. “Aliana would never ask for help from you, or Quintia, or Selina.”

“Well I want to learn how to wield a sword.”

“You want to learn how to wield a sword.” He repeated, as though tasting the words for himself. “Who put this idea in your head?”

“Nobody. I just want to train. When I’m older I could want to work in the navy or the City Guard.”

He raised an eyebrow at that. Ezri shrugged feeling self conscious, but she had the feeling that her father was more amused than angered.

“Alright.” He said after minutes of torturous silence.

“Really?”

“Yes. I’ll speak with the training master. You’ll begin training next week.”

Ezri launched herself at her father, momentarily forgetting herself in her joy, and hugged him the way she might have done if she’d been four instead of eight.

“Thank you Papa!”

He patted her back a few times awkwardly before she let go.

“I need to work right now but I’ll speak to the training master I promise.”

If he’d promised then it was as good as done then. She smiled and closed the doors behind her, before racing to tell Madam Prevona of her success.  
  


**_vi._ **

“What do you mean Aliana’s getting married?” Said Quintia, looking bewildered. “She’s only nineteen!”

Their father whipped his optics and sighed.

“I said it was time we started seriously looking for appropriate matches. Marriage is still a long way off.”

Aliana was nodding, eyes fixed on her plate of food.

“I’ve been looking at the proposals you’ve been getting,” said her father, “and I’ve separated them into three piles...”

As he kept talking, Aliana’s jaw clenched tighter and tighter and her mouth was stretched into a thin line.

“What about Stefan?” Asked Selina.

Everyone looked at her in astonishment. Nobody had dared speak that name in weeks, ever since their father had stumbled upon him kissing Aliana and had flown into a rage unlike any of them had ever seen before.

“That boy,” said her father slowly and angrily, “was out of line. He had ideas far above his station and we are all better off without him. Am I understood?”

They all nodded.

“Am I understood Aliana?”

“Yes Father.”

“That’s not fair!” Ezri pipped up. But before she could elaborate on what precisely was not fair, Aliana shot her a glare so powerful that she immediately shut up.

“Life isn’t always fair. But this is the way it will be. By the gods I’ll not have a serving boy for a son-in-law. Is that clear?”

They all nodded quickly.

“Good.” He got up. “Finish your food Aliana. I expect you by my office in an hour.”

The silence after he left was deafening.

“Aliana,” asked Ezri, “are you really going to get married?”

“Not now of course. But eventually yes. I will.”

“What if you don’t want to get married?”

“I want to get married.” Aliana said quietly. To Stefan, went unsaid.

“But what if you didn’t?”

“I have to. Marriage is a very serious matter Ezrianne. It’s a way to forge alliances, reinforce ties between families-”

“Will I have to get married?” Ezri asked.

For what might have been the only time in her life, Aliana smiled at her and ran her fingers through her hair.

“No. Don’t worry about that for a long, long time yet.”  
  


_**vii.** _

Ezri laid eyes for the first time on the thing the would kill her when she was ten. The shipbane sphere was glowing peacefully, almost serenely. The glow was hypnotizing, and, mesmerized, Ezri raised her hand, as though to touch it.

“Ezrianne no!” Selina quickly slapped Ezri’s hand away and dragged her back. “Are you out of your mind? What possessed you to do that?!”

“What is it?”

“Those are shipbane spheres. They can burn through anything. Wood, stone, flesh. Some say they can even burn water.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said Ezri, although she felt a shiver run through her spine, “You can’t set water on fire.”

“The alchemists can.”

“What is Papa even doing with these things?”

“Pirates.” Answered Selina simply. They’ve been raiding Nicoran shores lately.”

“That seems harsh.”

Selina shrugged.

“They shouldn’t have been pirates then. Should they?”

“I suppose.” Said Ezri, uneasy.

“Just promise me to never ever touch one.”

“I promise.”

_**viii.** _

Quintia and Ezri were quietly sneaking into the kitchens, looking for a midnight snack, when they heard voices.

“Hide!” Hissed Ezri, pulling Quintia’s wrist so she ducked behind a counter.

“We’re going to get caught!” Whispered Quintia panicked. “It’s probably Madam Prevona or worse, Aliana! We’re going to get into so much trouble!”

“What would Aliana be doing in the kitchens? Now ssshhh! I want to see who it is.”

Ezri carefully peeked above the counter and promptly lowered herself again and flattened herself against the counter.

“Good gods.”

“What is it?”

Quintia took a look herself and was greeted with the sight of Catalina, vigorously kissing one of her lady companions. If pressed Ezri would say her name was either Evelynne or Evangeline. Either way, it was disgusting.

“Gods!” Gasped Quintia, lowering herself to the ground again.

“I think I heard something.” Said Evelynne/Evangeline breathless.

“I can’t hear anything.”

For a moment, time was suspended as they waited with baited breath, praying Catalina wouldn’t catch them.

“Maybe the kitchens wasn’t such a good idea.” Catalina mumbled.

No shit Evelynne/Evangeline, Ezri wanted to scream.

“Oh my gods! Quintia? Is that you?”

Quintia froze from where she was discreetly trying to stretch her legs.

“No.” Said Quintia before covering her mouth as she realized her error.

Ezri and Quintia came out of their hiding place, looking slightly bashful. Evelynne/Evangeline’s cheeks were flaming red, and Catalina looked like she wanted to sink into a hole and die.

“We didn’t see you if you didn’t see us.” Ezri proposed with more bravado than she had.

Catalina nodded tersely and, before she got a chance to scold them, Ezri grabbed a plate of biscuits and dashed outside the kitchens with Quintia in tow.

“Let’s never talk about this again.” said Ezri.

Quintia nodded, and grabbed a biscuit off the plate.

“Agreed.”

And so they never did.

_**ix.** _

Aliana’s wedding was much more chaotic than Ezri could have imagined.

People running left and right, screaming, knocking things over. Guests had to be greeted, bruised egos had to be soothed, Aliana’s temper had to be satiated. Ezri had only gotten a handful of hours of sleep in the last week, and would likely not get any more until all the guests had left, which, judging by how often her mother lingered at people’s places when they had parties, would not happen for months yet.

“Ezri!” Her mother called, “Why aren’t you with your sisters? The ceremony will begin in an hour.”

“Yes mama, I’m going.”

“And where is that woman? Luisa!”

“Yes my lady.” Madam Prevona answered.

“Make sure all the girls are ready, and then make sure that everything is in order with the food. Last I checked the cook was nowhere near ready.”

“Of course.”

Without further ado, her mother was gone in a flurry of skirts. Probably to go greet another important guest.

“Come along child.” Madam Prevona grabbed Ezri’s hand gently and they quickly made their way to Aliana’s room. They had barely opened the door before Ezri was enveloped by a flurry of activity. If the rest of the manor was in a frenzy, then this room was downright chaotic. People running, shouting, tripping on spare pieces of fabric.

“Ezri,” Catalina was sitting next to the woman Ezri now knew was called Evalynne, their hands clasped tightly together. “We were just wondering where you were.”

Aliana turned around, and looked at her up and down.

“You look presentable.” She proclaimed once her inspection was done, which was the closest she would ever get to a compliment.

“Thank you. Aliana you look...beautiful.”

Her sister had never been known for her beauty. None of them had been to their mother's eternal chagrin. Everyone who speaked of Aliana did so in terms of her sternness and her immense administrative capabilities, which seemed to know no bounds. But now, in her white dress, with flowers braided in her hair, and pearls adorning her neck, she looked...beautiful was not the word for it. Radiant was more like it. Radiant and powerful. Ynis was applying more powder to Aliana’ face while Selina, was fiddling with her earrings.

“Congratulations Aliana. I always knew you would make a radiant bride.” Madam Prevona piped up warmly.

“Thank you Madam Prevona.”

She nodded before hurrying down to the kitchens, probably to go harass the cook some more.

“Ezri come sit with us!” Quintia gestured at the empty seat next to her and her two friends. Quintia’s companions, or rather her and Quintia’s companions, had never liked her, and immediately Ezri could feel the atmosphere turn slightly sour as she took her seat next to Quintia.

Jade, who probably got her name due to her eyes, looked slyly at Ezri, and whispered something to Alice who giggled mirthfully, her wild red curls bouncing.

“Isn’t this wonderful,” Quintia sighed, smoothing the skirt of her pale pink dress. “I still can’t believe Aliana’s getting married.”

“We all knew this would happen.” Ezri countered.

“I suppose we’ll all get married eventually.” Alice tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

“But still,” Quintia insisted. “This was awfully fast wasn’t it?”

“Not really.” Jade sneaked a look at Aliana, who was getting her gown inspected by the seamstress one last time. “Besides I heard...”

She trailed off innocently and Quintia couldn’t help it ask.

“What is it?”

“Well, I really shouldn’t say...”

“Come on Jade! Now you have to tell.” Alice leaned forward in anticipation. Ezri felt dread began to curl in her stomach. She knew where this was headed.

“It’s only a rumor of course. But I heard that the reason Lord Mastron was so eager to get Aliana married was because he caught her with a manservant and he didn’t want it to get out.”

“How scandalous!” Alice said excited. “Quintia is it true?”

Quintia paled, her eyes darting panicked until they fell on Ezri.

“Of course it’s not true.” Ezri said sharply. “Aliana was never one for frivolous attachments. You all know her.”

Alice and Jade nodded, although they still seem unconvinced.

“Well anyways, Aliana is very lucky. Carl is very handsome isn’t he?” Alice said.

“And rich!” Jade added. “Did you see the earrings his mother was wearing? I have no idea how her ears were able to withstand diamonds this big. And that dress!”

The subject having now been averted to less sensitive topics, Ezri let the conversation flow around her.

I wish I’d brought a book, she thought. But before she could truly regret it, her mother barged in.

“Girls it’s time to go!”

Aliana left first, followed by Ynis, and her three friends whose names Ezri had never bothered to remember. Slowly but surely, everybody made their way out of the room and to the garden where the ceremony was taking place.

Everything looked perfect as far as Ezri could tell, yet judging by the subtle twitch in Aliana’s jaw, she would complain about something later. Carl Radkov, Aliana’s very soon to be husband and Ezri’s soon to be first brother was standing at the end of the aisle. He was handsome in an underwhelming sort of way, and he was quick and clever. Aliana had once declared him to be “passable” which was her way of saying she was very impressed with him. He was good with a sword, of a happy disposition and, supposedly, good-natured. A perfect man on paper, but, she knew, not the one Aliana wanted,

The ceremony was solemn, calm, and, in Ezri’s opinion, utterly lacking in any sort of romantic or passionate feelings. While they exchanged vows, Ezri caught a bird, flying overhead. For a moment, she wished she was that bird. That she could simply spread her wings and fly far, far away, never to come back. The thought vanished from her mind as soon as the bird vanished from her sight however, and she spent the rest of the day with her sisters entertaining the guests.

Ezri learned one thing that day: that love could injure just as much as hate.

_**x.** _

“Ezri what are you doing here?” Selina whispered, amused.

Ezri was curled tightly into a nook deep inside the library, hiding from Aliana’s disapproving glare and Quintia’s horrible friends. She shrugged nonchalantly.

“What are you holding?” She gestured to the book clasped in Selina’s hand. She raised the cover obligingly so that Ezri could read the title.

“The Assassin’s Wedding by Lucarno. What’s it about?”

“You’ve never read Lucarno?” Selina asked mildly surprised. Ezri shook her head.

“Here.” She handed her the book. “It’s my favorite. I’ve read it dozens of times.”

“But...”

“Don’t worry.” She smiled. “I’ll find something else to read.”

With that said, she turned on her heel and vanished into the library, presumably to do just that. Ezri looked at the thick tome that was now in her hands. It was a leather bound copy, in rather good condition, with minimal tearing, and it had that particular smell that only old books had. Ezri inhaled deeply, running her hands on the cover, pondering. Finally, she opened it, and started reading. If Selina liked it so much then it couldn’t be bad could it?

A few pages in and she was utterly immersed in the story.

The prose was beautiful. The characters witty and amusing. The plot complex and captivating. She had never read something quite like it before and it was mesmerizing. Before she knew it, the book was lying closed in front of her. Finished. Had it been hours? Minutes? She didn’t know. It had all been one big blur. She got up on shaky legs, and rubbed her sore eyes. The sun had set, and the library was illuminated by the soft glow of alchemical lamps which emitted no heat, only a soft, warm glow.

She had missed lunch, dinner as well. The fact registered in the back of her mind, unimportant and quickly replaced with her new library quest. She made her way down the dimly lit library until she arrived at the L section.

Lavenia...Lenders...Louret...Lucarno!

She quickly pulled out all books with a Lucarno written on them and splayed them out on the table. Most of them were from scholars, analyzing and discussing Lucarno. She quickly brushed those aside and focused on those the plays. She scrutinized the different titles before picking up Republic of Thieves and settling down in a chair to begin her reading.

In a mere week, Ezri had gone through all of Lucarno’s works, and had interacted with precisely no one as every free second she had was spent with her nose buried in one of Lucarno’s plays. Selina had smirked knowingly at her as she saw her read Republic of Thieves from across the dinner table.

“What are you reading?” Her Mother asked her during one of their rare dinners with the tone one usually reserved for speaking to infants and puppies.

Ezri simply lifted the book so her mother could see the title.

“Ten Honest Turncoats,” she read, “isn’t that a little above your level?”

“No.”

“Ezrianne is very well read in Lucarno now.” said Selina, smiling, “she must’ve read all of them at least twice. Haven’t you?”

Before Ezri could respond, her mother clapped her hands together excitedly.

“Finally!” Said her Mother, delighted, “You’re starting to cultivate the proper interests for a young lady of House Mastron. I’m so glad!”

It was almost enough to make Ezri want to throw her book out the window.

Almost.

**_xi._ **

“Ezri! For the gods’ sakes child, why haven’t you put on your dress yet? Do you want to be late to your own coming of age ball?”

Madam Prevona was pacing through the room nervously as Ezri lounged in her bed, reading her copy of Republic of Thieves for what must have been the tenth time.

“I don’t particularly care.”

“Well I do. Now can you please put on your dress. The ball is almost about to begin.”

Ezri sighed before leaving her book on the bed and starting to put on her dress. Madam Prevona rushed to her side to help her with the laces.

“Now remember, this is your day. So just be yourself and everything will be alright.”

Ezri nodded quietly as Madam Prevona started fixing her hair. A knock was heard and before Ezri could tell whoever it was to enter, the door burst open and Ynis entered the room

“Ezri you’re late.”

“Did Aliana send you?”

“No. Mother did. She was wondering where you were. You know how much she loves planning these parties.”

Ezri snorted. Love was an understatement. The only reason her mother would be caught home for more than three weeks was when she was planning a party.

“We’re almost done here Ynis.” Madam Prevona reassured her as she twisted Ezri’s hair in a braid. “Are you all done?”

Ynis nodded.

“Alright I’ll tell mother you’re on your way.”

“That won’t be necessary Ynis.” Her mother said, strolling casually into her room. “I’ll take it from there Luisa.” She dismissed Madam Prevona with an absent-minded nod. Before Ezri could object, Madam Prevona had left and her mother had taken her place trying to tame Ezri’s hair into place.

“So Ezri, this is your coming-of-age ball. Are you excited?”

Ezri shrugged.

“Well you could try to act more happy about it! You know I still remember my coming of age ball. I was the most beautiful lady there, and the music was divine...”

As her mother lost herself retelling the story of her coming-of-age ball for what must have been the fiftieth time, Ezri let her thoughts roam to what she would do once the ball was over. She would start by dropping by the training grounds to train, then she would sneak a plate of biscuits under the careful watch of the librarian and read the rest of the day away in her little nook in the library.

“Ezri are you listening to me?”

“Hm? Yes mother.”

“You’re all done here.”

Ezri had to admit that her mother did a fantastic job with her hair. The wild curls were elegantly pinned into place, some of them falling down to frame her face.

“It looks nice.” She said.

“Of course it does. Now let’s go. Everyone is waiting for the guest of honour.”

Everyone was indeed waiting for her. The room was dark, with alchemical lights placed strategically to give a warm, soft glow that was supposed to give he room a romantic air but instead made Ezri feelshe was walking in a dungeon. The walls were tall and seemed to loom oppressively over her. The shadows loomed on the walls, making everything seem smaller and more confined.

Ezri didn't have time to admire the room, however, since once she entered the room everyone’s son, father and brother wanted to dance with her. As she twirled and twirled and twirled in the dance floor, she noticed Aliana, arm in arm with her husband, keeping a stern eye on her, as though daring her to make a mistake. Quintia shot her an encouraging smile from next to her as she danced right next to Ezri. Her parents were barely looking at her, preferring to chat with some of the guests.

Everything was golden and glistening and perfect. It was the first time Ezri truly considered running away.

_**xii.** _

Ezri waited patiently by her horse until the stable boy, Matteo, she’d learned was his name, fixed her saddle.

“Horse’s all set m’lady.”

“Thank you.”

Ezri had found a passion for horse riding lately, what with Quintia being so busy with her friends and her sisters being, well, her sisters. She loved take her horse for a run because for a minute she could pretend she was someone else, anyone else. Someone with a fate they could determine, a dream they could accomplish. Someone who’s road hadn’t already been paved, who could take any path they wished.

“Should you be going out alone Dame Ezrianne?”

“I’ll be fine Matteo. Truly. I have my sword right here with me.” She put her hand on the hilt of her sword.

“Still...does Dame Aliana know where you’re going?”

“My sister, doesn’t get to dictate where we all are and what we do. Despite what everyone thinks.”

Matteo blushed, his shoulders slightly hunched. He was tall, much taller than Ezri who wouldn’t grow any taller according to the physiker, and hours of working with the horses had given him strong arms and a low soothing voice that was pleasing to the ears.

“Apologies Dame Ezrianne.”

“How many times will I have to tell you to call me Ezri?”

“ ‘S not personal Dame Ezrianne. ‘S just that your sister would geld me if she heard me call you that, beggin’ your pardon.”

Ezri sighed.

“Well, I say that when we’re alone you can call me Ezri. Surely you won’t refuse me?”

Matteo blushed even more.

“I wouldn’t dare Da- um, Ezri.”

The name tumbled off his tongue oddly, it was said slowly, carefully, as though he was tasting the name while saying it. As he handed her the reins of her horse, their hands brushed, and Ezri’s pulse started racing wildly underneath her skin, beating like a drum gone out of control. They both looked away at the same time, but didn’t move away their hands.

“Matteo I-”

Before she could say any more, the doors to the stables opened as someone made their way to one of the horses. Before Matteo could take his leave, and before she could think better of it, she grabbed his hand.

“Matteo...I’ll see you later today alright?”

He nodded, throat bobbing. She mounted her horse and then left, letting the wind cart through her hair.

Ezri found herself kissing Matteo behind balls of hay later that day and she couldn’t help but think this was perfect.

_**xiii.** _

Aliana was, of course, furious when she found out, a few months later, that Ezri was with Matteo.

“How could you do something so foolish! The stable boy Ezrianne? Are you just trying to spite me?”

“You know this might surprise you, but not everything is about you.”

“Shut up!” Her face was the color of a particularly ripe tomato. “I really can’t trust you to do anything right can I?”

“She’s at that age Ali. You’re being irrational.” Ynis put a soothing hand on Aliana’s shoulder, which only seemed to inflame her more.

“And you!” She turned her ire towards Quintia. “How could you not tell me about this?”

“You leave Quintia out of this!” Ezri said. “And it’s none of your business who I sleep with!”

“None of my business?!” Aliana screamed. “What if you’d gotten pregnant? Do you know what an embarrassment that would be?”

“Aliana you’re not thinking logically,” Catalina grabbed Aliana’s arm and urged her to sit down, “I’m sure Ezri was very careful.” You better have been, the glare Catalina sent her conveyed.

“I was.”

“See? This is all for nothing.” Selina sat on Aliana’s other side and rubbed her shoulder soothingly. “We all had our little flights of fancy when we were younger. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“All right.” Aliana seemed to have calmed down significantly, although her jaw was clenched so tightly Ezri feared she might be about to grind her teeth to dust. “What’s done is done. But you can’t see him anymore.”

“Excuse me?”

“You can’t keep dallying with the stable boys Ezrianne. You’re a lady of House Mastron. You have to have higher standards than-“

“Who the fuck do you think you are? Telling me who I can and can’t see? You have no right-”

“I’m your sister.” She said, deathly calm. “I’m the next head of our house. I won’t have my sisters dallying with the help.”

“His name is Matteo. Not “the help” or “the stable boy” and I-”

“Enough Ezrianne. Just be thankful I’m not telling Father.”

“You have some nerve-”

“Girls! Enough!” Ezri’s mother strode in, looking mildly annoyed. “I can hear your screeching from down the hallway. What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” Ynis said quickly. “It’s all resolved now isn’t it?” She glared at Ezri, as though daring her to say something. But, to Ezri’s great surprise, before she could open her mouth to protest, Aliana had already spoken up.

“Maybe you will be able to make Ezrianne see sense.” Aliana crossed her arms. “ She’s decided to take one of the stable boys as her lover.”

“Which one?”

The question seemed to shock Aliana into silence.

“Matteo.” Ezri answered.

“ I know him. Handsome boy wasn’t he? Nice shoulders.”

“Mother!”

“What? It’s the truth isn’t it?”

“Excuse me what the fuck is going on here?” Aliana asked, her hands clenched into fists.

“So this is what you’ve been screeching about for hours? So what if Ezrianne’s taken one of the stable boys as a lover? She’s young. It’s only natural for a girl her age to have a lover. Really I would be quite shocked if she didn’t have one.”

Aliana’s face turned red, then white, the red again, before she looked away, hiding her face from their eyes.

“That’s not what you said when you found me with Stefan.” She said shakily, and Ezri was surprised to find that her voice was thick with tears.

“Ezri’s not the heir,” said her mother dismissively, “who cares what she does and who she dallies with?”

“I see. Excuse me mother.” Aliana quickly left the room, followed by Catalina and Ynis.

“That girl is too tightly wound up.” She said, lighting one of her cigars before dismissing herself with a wave of her hand.

Aliana refused to acknowledge Ezri’s existence for the rest of the week.

“It’s not my fault!” She complained, enraged, to Quintia, “Why is she acting like I did this one purpose just to spite her?”

Quintia patted her shoulder but had nothing to say. Carl tried to make his excuses for Aliana, but Aliana’s icy glare said otherwise.

“Can’t you just apologise to her?” Asked Quintia.

“Apologize for doing what?” Ezri bit out, furious. “I didn’t do anything wrong and you now it.”

“It’s just...Things have been so hard with Aliana lately. What with the miscarriage and the deal that fell through... She was just stressed.”

“That doesn’t give her an excuse to take it out on me.”

Quintia rubbed Ezri’s back calmly, but Ezri would not be swayed.

“Not this time Quinty. I want an apology.”

Ezri never got an apology. What she got, was a teary eyed Matteo, telling her that he had just been dismissed from his employment. He’d been able to find work somewhere else, but he’d have to leave the very next day.

Ezri never saw him again, and though she never spoke of it, she always hated Aliana for it.

_**xiv.** _

Ezri took off the shoes she had worn to Ynis’ engagement party before collapsing on her bed.

“Ezri you’ll ruin your dress.” Said Madam Prevona with no real bite behind her words.

“This is ridiculous.”

“Why? Ynis is finally marrying the Trevis boy. Honestly the way they mooned after each other was pathetic. It was about time they married.”

“No not that. But why did we have to have such big ball and invite every person who ever lived? There were Camorri noblemen Madam Prevona. Camorri. Do you have any idea how far Camorr is?”

“I should hope so considering I am Camorri.”

Ezri blushed. Madam Prevona sat on the bed next to her and carted her fingers through Ezri’s hair.

“I saw you dancing with...Don Lorenzo Salvara was it?”

“Madam Prevano!”

“You two were a very handsome couple. Didn’t he ask you to dance three times?”

“He’s twenty-four.”

“And?”

“He’s old!”

Madam Prevona laughed at that.

“Oh darling, twenty-four isn’t old.”

“Well it is to me.”

“Of course it is.” She sighed. “Anything older that twenty is old to you isn’t it?”

“It’s not going to happen.”

“Why not?” She angled her body so she was looking at her. “He’s a perfectly nice man, with good connections and a good family name. What more do you want?”

Love, she almost said, I want a man who’ll love me and who I’ll love, who’ll see me, really see me, and love me anyway. She bit her tongue,

“I’m not interested in marrying Don Salvara.”

“Well at some point you’ll have to pick someone Ezri! You can’t pout forever because Aliana sent your stableboy away.”

Ezri buried her head in her pillow and did not answer.

“Ezri...Aliana didn’t do this to hurt you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She bit out harshly. She was tired of people making excuses for Aliana. Until she decided to deign explain herself then Ezri wasn’t going to give her the benefit of the doubt.

“Very well.” She rubbed soothing circles on Ezri’s back. “At least think about it. I mean,” she leaned close to Ezri, “he is very handsome isn't he? I mean I’ve seen my fair share of Camorri men and-”

“Madam Prevona!” Ezri screeched, covering her ears because no way in hell was she listening to this coming from Madam Prevona’s mouth, of all people.

“Alright.” She chuckled, “Just think about it.”

Ezri grumbled unintelligibly as Madam Prevona lightly kissed the top of her head and left her alone in her room.

As soon as Madam Prevona had left, she opened her window and let the breeze hit her skin. She looked down. I could run, she thought not for the first time, I could take some of my jewelry, sell it, and live in some distant city as a seamstress, or a soldier, or a fencing instructor, or a governess. She forced herself to think of other things. Her sisters, the gardens, the library, Madam Prevona, her sword fighting lessons, all of the things she loved here in Nicora. She felt a sense ofresignation as she realized none of those things were enough anymore.  
  


_**xv.** _

In the end, there was no grand incident that made Ezri leave. No epic fight, no words screamed in anger, no blows were exchanged. She left because the desperate yearning for freedom she’d felt while dancing during her coming-of-age ball had never left her. Because she longed to run and run and run and never look back. To feel the wind on her face and the grass underneath her feet. Because she'd rather die that live forever in her gilded cage.

There was no gaping wound that made her run away, rather it was a thousand little paper cuts, each one becoming too much to bear.

The letter she left her parents was short, yet there was everything she wanted to say.

_Dear Mother and Father,_

_Fuck you. I’m leaving. Don’t come looking for me. Forget all about me and tell Aliana I have finally accomplished her biggest wish by fucking off forever._

_If you ever think about me Mother, which I highly doubt you will, know that I would happily suck ten cocks in a random brothel than be forced to live here and risk becoming even a little like you._

_As for you Father I wish I knew enough about you to be able to leave you a final ‘fuck you’ but I don’t and I think that says it all. Sometimes I doubt you remember what my name is._

_This is goodbye forever and I hope we never have the misfortune of crossing paths._

_Tell Quintia and Madam Prevona goodbye and that I hope they are happy._

_Your ex-daughter,_

_Ezri_

**_xvi._ **

(A year later, Aliana would give birth to a daughter and name her after her lost sister. But this Ezri would never know.)

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY MJ! I hope you enjoyed this fic even though it’s...odd.


End file.
